the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
