you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
