I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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