is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
