i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
