bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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