He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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