My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize