I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
