Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
