nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
