If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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