i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize