As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
