your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
