why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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