i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
