just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize