Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
