I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
