I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
