trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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