i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
