god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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