you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize