We won't sleep together?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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