while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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