I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize