I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
