12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
