I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
