i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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