oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
