put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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