i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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