He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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