I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize