I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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