i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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