My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
