never play flip cup with pint glasses
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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