I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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