I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Randomize
