community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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