If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Yo dont text me then not text me
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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