My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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