it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
