here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
