Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
