I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
