a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
