I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
