he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
