Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wish I only lived at night.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
