My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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