Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
