I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
