Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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