In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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