oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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