i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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