I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
