I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
