I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
